Want a better way to get off?
Don’t you think sex toys could be so much better? It’s been over thirty years since the venerable and much-loved Hitachi Magic Wand was introduced. The classic Slim Line and Rabbit Pearl vibes still hold their own on the sex shop shelves. The basic principals and designs haven’t changed. Battery and wall-powered offset motors are pressed to the skin in hopes of jiggling the nerve endings beneath or around it.
Think about it. The big-selling vibes haven’t changed since Betamax and VHS video cassette tapes were duking it out for their share of lovers on the sofa, Pong occupied the luckless, geeks used the Apple II personal computer to take the first steps into computer porn using ASCII characters and blocky graphics, boys wooed girls with custom mixed cassette tapes and dirty talk happened over avocado-colored rotary phones. When other tools of seduction have progressed so much, why haven’t the pleasure toys?
Granted, there have been some improvements in the last 20 years. We now know it’s bad to stick carcinogenic phthalate-laden toys where the sun don’t shine. Toys of quality, made with high tech silicone, medical grade plastic, surgical quality steel, custom art glass and sustainable organic fair trade wood call to you. Some computer technology has managed to seep into designs, but nothing really wowing. My personal smartphone is more powerful than all the Apollo missions combined, but it still isn’t smart enough or strong enough to get me off. Where are the booster rockets?
We can’t just sit back and settle for mere variations on what we already have.
I blame Star Trek for this.
Really.
Here’s my reasoning.
Nearly everything imagined on Star Trek has been invented or are being researched on at some level. We are our own Galaxy Quest.
Uhura’s earpiece is clumsy next to the latest Bluetooth. Our cars talk to us while navigating and even parking itself, likely better than the Enterprise ever could. If you want a fully functional Tricorder, just wait a little bit for Steve Jobs to prophesize it. Dr. McCoy’s bladeless surgery? We got it. Warp Drive, phasers and transparent metal? Ask the Department of Defense. Robots? Ask any teenage competitor of robotics games. Universal translators? Google’s got its tentacles all over that one. Even quantum teleportation is in its successful embryonic stage of development.
But the camera cut away at the critical moments when Kirk did the horizontal boogie with some Orion slave girl, leaving no clues or specifics for young impressionable 20th century IT developers of the future to have a name and function of an object to begin formulating designs in their pre-pubescent minds.
This is why smartphones have lousy vibrator apps today.
I know you’re going to tell me “But there’s an app for that!” Trust me, I’ve bought them, tried them; the phone buzzed but I didn’t. When there’s an iPhone app from Hitachi, I’m first in line.
In the meantime, here are the sex toys I wished existed.
The Orgasmatron:
From Woody Allen’s 1973 movie Sleeper, a closet-sized chamber where you step in and experience a whole body orgasm, solo or with other people.
Upping the ante on the Orgasmatron is the Excessive Machine from everyone’s favorite psychedelic sexpot movie Barbarella, starring the barely legal Jane Fonda, Intended as a device to kill you from too much pleasure, this body encasing pipe-organ-meets-MRI-machine strips its victim of their clothing and climaxes them to brain and organ failure. Unfortunately for the evil moralistic villain who represents Puritanical guilt, shame and sexual obsession, Barbarella just cums and cums and cums and melts the machine into a pile of smoldering goo.
Neuro-lock Strap-On:
This is an excerpt from a story titled “Full Moon Fever” in my unpublished part two of Master Han’s Daughter:
Grinning wickedly, Lady Blue unsnaps the crotch panel and whips out a red jelly-fleshed limp cock. Mali had heard of neuro lock dongs but had never seen one. Lady Blue engaged a switch at the base. Her body stiffened and face grimaced a bit. The neuro lock weaving into the cunt and clit cells seriously torqued the nerve endings until fully locked and cocked. The Jell-O-red dick hardened and grew thick with angry red veins pumping wires and hydraulics.
Neuro Cock Sheath:
This one made its appearance in the story “Cat Name Miu” from Master Han’s Daughter, and like the Neuro-lock strap-on, its Jell-O-red nano plastic temporarily connects the nerve endings of the cock to a sleeve with different surface texture options. You can be any size you want and feel every little sensation better than standard skin. Sensual bumps or sadistic barbs, the choice is up to the players.
Wii Sex:
It’s like Wii Tennis, except your wand and nunchuck can interact with your remote-located lover to operate various toy attachments. C’mon Nintendo, this can’t be too challenging for your programmers! Just imagine the incentive and motivation for R&D and expansion of customer base. Xbox users do it with their fingers, but Wii users use their whole bodies!
Some of my Twitter and Facebook readers also pitched in their brilliantly perverse ideas:
For the unapologetic narcissist, a clone of oneself, in any gender, may be just the perfect partner—although any shred of self-loathing could get ugly.
A reader named Amy sent me this one:
Vibrator + Panini Press. In college during a not-hazing ritual one of my little sister's demands was to design a diagram for a vibrator + sandwich maker. It's similar to the rabbit (only environmentally friendly) with a sensor that detects when the orgasm has happened and begins to prepare and toast your predetermined Panini so you can solve the post-orgasm munchies without leaving your room.
How about the virtual reality mind-melding device in The Cell? Between two non-murderous, non-wacko people that could be a ton of dirty fun with all forms of naughty impossibilities. Gives a whole new meaning to stay-cations.
My pal Farrah blurted that “I'd like a sex toy that gives my boyfriend step-by-step directions like a sexual Garmin (GPS). Including telling him when to shut the hell up and just be pretty.”
Miss LC desires a self-operating, freestanding, hands-free, self-cleaning vibe that doubles as a vacuum bot for post-coital cleanup and general house cleaning. It’s sort of like the Woomba from Saturday Night Live, I suppose.
I really appreciated RopeGuyJin’s idea of a “SmartRope. With AutoUntie and KnotRecall.” But would that put my Rope Bondage Dojo out of business? Hmmm…
In the same vein of a AutoUntie is Michael’s suggestion of “an ‘undo’ button so if the fantasy, scene, whatever, turned out to be awful you could undo it. The g/f wants one that connects to her brain to create a virtual reality of her deepest, darkest, fantasies.”
My favorite submission in the Disturbed Mind category is the request for a “Blow-Up Michael Jackson Doll” Can we get one in every stage of facial morphing and optional monkey?
Lorelei Mission emerged from Second Life briefly to add her two Linden cents. “I want the at-computer fuck toy to plug into USB and integrate with Second Life so it coordinates with my role play. I would like a fucking object that fucks me (FEMALE) while I'm at a computer. Fuck toy needs to be secure, comfortable, and cushy. It has to be no-hands. I have no idea how they would make a firm base that doesn't shift. Adjustable rhythms and angles. SENSES RESISTANCE and adjusts! Not hard-fucker. Some sex toy makers have already tried to make toys integrate to Second Life. But for gals all they can do is vibrate. Eh! I guess there's no genius out there who could design a comfy cunnilingus machine with 1 million variations. :(“
FemBots:
For the classic cinema lovers, how about an Ursella Andress or a Barbarella robot? Or go totally meta, and self-referentially geeky with a Nexus-6 Pris bot? I would personally love a tentacle bot straight from the hentai anime genre. Can it have a future model Prius hybrid engine? I wouldn’t even mind if the accelerator gets stuck.
All right, scientists, developers, and programmers, listen up! You’ve been officially put on notice and given concrete examples. Now get hopping on the research!