Hosting a Play Party (BDSM)

Details: Written by Super User; Category: BDSM - How To's; Published: 26 August 2019; Hits: 2629

Some General Suggestions

This document began as a set of "general guidelines" for the first-ever EhBC play party. EhBC is a kink-friendly social community in the wilds of Southwestern Ontario. In 1997, after several years of operation, they finally became brave enough to organize our first play-party. Because of the relative inexperience of a number of people in the EHBC community, they felt we might benefit from putting some simple guidelines in place for that first party. The guidelines were drawn from many sources and assumed at least a basic knowledge of BDSM practices, regardless of actual level of experience.

This information has been grouped into several categories, and for simplicity, it is assumed that most of these rules apply equally to both private play parties (which typically use their own brands of "house rules") and to public fetish nights. We would suggest that you try to learn the "house rules" of either a play party or a fetish night before you attend.

Choose a safe space.

The safest place is usually in someone's private home, but not everyone wants to open their private space to a public party. In the event that you have to go to rental space, make sure it is somewhere where you have complete control over access. How open you are with site owners regarding the nature of the event is up to you, and you get to decide how much information you are willing to disclose. A lot of people might be really uncomfortable knowing they are booking a group with the kind of interests we have!

Make sure your space is closable to "prying eyes" - windows that can be covered or blocked, doors that can be locked or limited for controlled access. Also ensuring you have enough space for changing and storing things would be a good idea. It is advisable that you arrange a general "social" area, which is a no-play or low-key-play-only space. If you can, try to create both a "public" play space and a "private" play space. This gives your attendees the maximum number of playing options, which in turn helps them feel safe and comfortable.

Know your guest list.

You, as host, are ultimately responsible for the security and safety of the people attending the party. In small BDSM communities it is easy to restrict party invitations to only the people you know, but this is not a simple process for larger groups.

Be careful how you advertise; the EHBC party, for example, is limited to only those people on the EHBC mailing list and their invited guests. Public fetish nights, on the other hand, are open to anyone who meets the minimum dress requirements. What kind of crowd do you want to create? What kind of crowd can you manage? Will you know everyone who is coming, or will there be strangers? Are these strangers being vouched for by anyone else on the guest list? How will you handle people who behave in an out-of-line manner (known guests or otherwise)?

Try to be sensitive to the personalities on your guest list where you can afford to be; often this may involve vetting the list to make sure conflicts are kept to a minimum, though this is something easier to do for a private party than a public one. Too much vetting runs the risk of cries of discrimination, too little may result in people having to be exposed to others who make them uncomfortable. As host, how you tackle this thorny issue is up to your discretion. The EHBC parties, for example, constitute a "limited public" party, where everyone on the mailing list is welcome, but attendance is restricted beyond that, and we rely heavily on the DMs (Dungeon Monitors) to keep things moving on an even keel. We're lucky that way; others may need to look into alternative methods of keeping the guests in a comfortable party mood.

Select a dependable staff.

Don't plan in a vacuum, and don't assume you can handle running the whole thing yourself. We use a "Planning Committee", where volunteers are assigned specific areas of concern. For EHBC parties, we typically use two DMs, with a Security person who handles the door and doubles in as DM if one of the DMs gets busy (yes, we allow our DMs to play; it's one reason why we have two of them). We also make sure we have some sort of certified First Aider on site, in case of accidents. There is a "booking secretary" to manage RSVPs, guest lists and relevant signs for the event. If we are handling money for the party (donations, cover charges, juice-bar float, etc.), then someone is assigned to look after that. We may assign someone to look after the juice-bar on the night of the party, but often we can get away with reliance on the Honour System.

Make sure your staff works well as a unit as much as possible. Assign such tasks as arranging munchies, setting up a sound system for music, setup/takedown crew and general cleanup. The tasks which need to be assigned will vary depending on the size and structure of the party. But in all cases, it helps to know who you can lean on for help.

Keep the momentum rolling.

Are you hosting a BDSM play party or a tupperware party? Do you want to entice people into playing, or are you happy to let them just sit around and socialize? Sometimes it pays to make sure you have a couple of dedicated players there who can "get the ball rolling", as it were - this could be anything from opening with a toy show-and-tell to an invitation to everyone to come watch a public scene.

You may also find occasions where having a "host" who is NOT a DM is a good idea - someone who can set up fun things, like dances or party games, or even simple crowd circulation, without having to "keep an eye" on the rest of the party. This has been an extremely successful tactic for the EHBC community in both their regular social munches and their more private gatherings. Someone who can keep things going, keep new activities happening, keep the interests fresh, is a big help.

If you are using players to get things rolling, remember that there is really no way to "force" interest if your attendees aren't ready to start playing, or even watching. Don't try to herd people from one activity to another; make sure there are enough things going on to give people some variety, without setting things up in conflict (i.e., don't schedule an impromptu spot dance just as your feature players are about to start an open scene!)

And remember the idea is to be non-threatening; you or your host should entice attendees into getting involved, not subject them to activities. They'll be more likely to get involved if they are comfortable than if they are forced.

Make sure there's "clear" space.

Always a good idea at any play party is the idea of "clear" space, or "time out" space; both general attendees and players sometimes need to go somewhere which is mentally away from scene space, where they can talk, or unwind, and effectively ignore the scenes. This could be either a scene-free social area, or it could be a small room or walled-off section of the facilities.

Find a way to let everyone from the DMs to the general attendees know that there is a clear space for them if they want to "get away" from the scenes without necessarily leaving the party. Particularly for unattached submissives, there is usually comfort in knowing there is space for them to go to unwind from a scene, or retreat from potentially unwelcome dom attention (if that's the case, the sub should consider chatting with a DM before retreating into clear space). Everyone should be made aware that roles and scene activities don't matter in clear space; everyone is an equal individual in the time-out area.

Have a clear set of guidelines or House Rules, and make sure all attendees are aware of them.

While not everyone may elect to impose a set of guidelines or rules on either a Fetish Night or a play party, many people find they have a better time when they know what the limits of the party itself are. Simple things like dress codes and smoking/no smoking policies often make all the difference in the world to individual comfort levels.

The basic 10-point list that EHBC uses was distilled down from a much longer list, and details a number of issues which are either site-specific (like the no smoking policy and the requirements for leaving building doors locked), or are the limits of what the DMs are willing to tolerate. This list will vary somewhat from party to party, depending on what the site or host or DMs are willing to consider. Many private parties don't bother with rules about sexual or penetrative play, but this sort of behaviour is typically a no-no for any party or Fetish Night which is considered "public-accessible".

Consider the needs of your guests, your site, and your staff very carefully when putting together specific guidelines for your party. Keep the wording simple and clear; make sure everyone has a chance to see the rules either beforehand, wherever possible, or at the party. When in doubt, post them as a big sign somewhere for everyone to see.

Remember to have fun!

Regardless of your role at the party - whether you own the site, or if you're a host or DM, or you're staff, or a general attendee - you are there to have fun. In BDSM, like every other aspect of life, you can always walk away from something when it ceases to be fun (ok, so you may have to safeword your way out of bondage first, but you get the idea).

If you are on staff, remember that the whole concept behind building a support staff is that there will always be people to help alleviate the worries and responsibilities. Make sure there are people who can spell you for a bit if you need a break or if you want to play. If you are a party-attendee, then you will get out of the party what you put into it; if you make an effort to have fun - regardless of whether you actually play, or just watch, or never get out of the social area - then fun is what you'll have.

Show a little respect for other guests and players, and they should respect you; being friendly and willing to chat never hurts either. Try not to interfere in scenes unless invited, and if you see something that doesn't seem right in the context of the party, bring it to the attention of the owner/host or DMs. It's their job to worry about these things, and they know who on staff they can turn to when they need help.

There are two "rules of thumb" that everyone should consider:

You are under no obligation to play if you don't want to.
You can always walk away from something that you don't want to be part of.

These are two concepts which apply to everyone at the event, whether you're working it or just there to have some fun. A little communal effort to keep things running smoothly goes a long way towards creating a safe and relaxed atmosphere where everyone can enjoy themselves!