Over the past 20 years I have lead a Dominant/ submissive (D/s) lifestyle. I have both been submissive and dominant. I started my D/s lifestyle as a submissive and grew into being a dominant. I have continued to learn and expand within this lifestyle. About three years ago I found the world of the Internet and have met many people that also live a similar lifestyle. I have also met many who pretend they are a dominant or submissive, often referred to as role players. Role players do not truly understand the commitment in a D/s relationship. Then there are those that are curious about the lifestyle, exploring what D/s has to offer and if that is truly what they want. For those with true interest of the lifestyle, I would like to share a little of my knowledge and understanding.

I think one of the misunderstandings that I often hear is what a D/s relationship is. I have met many dominates that think that any submissive is their property and treated as their property, without an agreement between them. This is the furthest from the truth. A D/s relationship between a couple is a very tight bond. Both the dominate and the submissive should spend time in advance discussing what each expects and desires. Submission is given not taken. Many newcomers into the lifestyle do not understand this point. A tight bond will develop between the dominant and submissive, with total trust and need of each other.

As I stated above, both the dominant and submissive should spend time getting to know each other before they can truly become a D/s couple. D/s relationships are not created overnight, but take some time to build. If it is, it is just role playing and not true domination and submission. Both the dominant and submissive should spend time talking with each other, learning each other's needs and desires. After truly getting to know each other, and both have decided to enter into this relationship, a contract will be needed between the two. This is the point in the relationship that bounds are agreed upon. The dominant does not have the right to do anything he wishes to his submissive, unless given to the dominant by submissive. I recommend getting a list of D/s topics, and between the two discuss each item before hand. There will be some things that one or the other do not wish to get involved in. These points are to be included in the contract so there are no misconceptions of what is expected

Within the contract such points as what the submissive is giving to her dominant will be discussed, as well as what the dominants responsibilities will be. Another thing that will need to be agreed upon between the dominant and the submissive is a safe word. There will be times that the submissive can not take the actions of the dominant. The safe word gives her safety in knowing she can stop the actions at any point and should not lose face in doing so.

As the relationship grows and the bounds of the submissive increase there may be times the contract will need to be adjusted. It takes both the dominant and the submissive to make changes to the contract once signed.

Something not often seen by outsiders to the lifestyle is the tight bond that the dominant and the submissive have. Most people only see the bondage, pain, humilation, etc. involved in D/s, but there is so much more. A dominant should care about the well being of his submissive, just as a submissive should put total trust in her Master. Without this the relationship is sure to fail. If a dominant does not care about the well being of his sub, she will lose the trust she has in him. Without the trust of the submissive in her Master, she can not truly find her submission to him. As the trust builds between the D/s couple the submissive finds it easier to give herself to her Master.

I do understand that the D/s lifestyle is not for everyone, but then again not living in the lifestyle is not for me. I have discovered the feeling of someone giving their total submission to me. The feeling of control of someone that comes with their submission is something I cannot live without in my life. Those outside the lifestyle might even look at me as a chauvinist, but this is incorrect. I respect my submissive very much and do love and need her. I would do anything for her that I could, just as she would in her submission to me.

Again the D/s lifestyle is just not about sex and pain. It is about giving and taking. My submissive finds great pride and satisfaction in making me happy. If I did not give her assignments to accomplish for me, she would feel neglected. The role players do not see this in the relationship. If all I did was have the sex, she would not feel needed. She finds great satisfaction in taking care of me. Such duties include feeding, bathing, and dressing me, or tending to any other personal needs I may have. There is no sex involved with this, just the submissive serving my everyday needs.

A dominant will earn the respect of there submissive during their relationship. My submissive besides needing to serve me, wants to prove what she can take for me in her submission. An example would be for me to bind and whip her. I do not go about this savagely, but am very detailed to it. I will first take and tie her up bound and available for the whipping. I may or may not blindfold and gag her, depending on my mood at the time. I then ask if she is ready to take her whipping. This is a pleasure whipping not a punishment one. I probably will have her count her whippings, asking her if she wants another. I will push her to the very limits of what she can take. In doing this she finds great pleasure in taking the lashes for me, and is very proud of the welts afterwards.

Now a punishment whipping is very different than a pleasure spanking. If she does something that needs punishment, then it does become more savage. She may be told to kneel before me for her punishment. The rest I will do as I see fit, not caring if she has taken more than she can handle. She needs to understand at this point the effect of her disobedience. My submissive personally does not want to disappoint me, it is important to her that I am proud of her. Two is she doesn't want to feel the punishment.

No D/s relationship is like another, it is built between the couple. Just as all people are different, the relationships are different as well.